Do you walk around with a knot in your stomach? Do you agonize over how to bring something up while carefully choosing the words and timing? It’s exhausting isn’t it?
When your spouse is totally unpredictable you will start to get anxiety in his presence. And if you happen to have a few days where he is calm, attentive and kind you might start to let your guard down. Once that happens you let go of some of the inner tension and then BAM, out of nowhere the criticism, sarcasm or backhanded comment just punches you in the gut.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? If so, you have been living in a virtual landmine field. Do you know what happens to people who walk around landmines all day? They get PTSD! I’m not saying that you have PTSD but it certainly isn’t off the table.
Anyone who is experiencing this kind of unpredictability is bound to find themselves emotionally drained and on edge. This is why when someone asks you why you weren’t more direct, or why you didn’t just ask, you don’t even know how to answer. Let me help you clarify. You can’t expect someone to not watch their step when they have been tiptoeing around landmines day after day, month after month, and year after year.
So please don’t be harsh with yourself when he accuses you of not stating it just right, or criticizes your timing in bringing up a subject. You have been conditioned to watch your step and that can cause you to be overly cautious. It can cause you to over explain. It causes you to OVER-FUNCTION!
Sweet friend, let me tell you that I see you! It took me years to get this kind of clarity but I wish it hadn’t. You can start with having grace for yourself. You can stop the critical inner thought life that scolds yourself. This isn’t your fault. You can take some steps today that will begin to free you from inner panic. One of my favorite places to start is with meditation. You can start using calming meditations to relax your nervous system. YouTube has lots of great resources. You can also work on reframing the stories you tell yourself. Instead of internalizing his judgement you can choose to internally acknowledge the pain that you feel and redirect your thoughts to the truth about yourself instead of his projections. This is a process so be patient with yourself.
At the end of the day, just know that you aren’t in this alone. You didn’t say the wrong thing. You didn’t use the wrong tone. You just represent something that he isn’t and he doesn’t know how to deal with that. His inner woundings are being projected onto you but they don’t belong to you. You don’t have to fix him. Your job is to start the inner journey to mental freedom within yourself.
Blessings and peace to you!